This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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