i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
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