I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
