The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
