I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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