im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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