mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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