He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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