she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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