Where are you?
In a non slutty way
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
