Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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