Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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