We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
