Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
