I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
There r osticjed everywhere
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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