Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
