I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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