Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
