The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
