Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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