She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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