u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
The struggles of a small town man whore
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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