im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize