He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
