My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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