I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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