tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
