someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
