I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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