we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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