I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
