she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
