she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
