My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
