Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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