please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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