lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
