The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I want a musical about memes.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
