he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
