sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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