May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Maybe he injected his testicle?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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