i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
