If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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