I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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