you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
