working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
True strength comes from lack of pants
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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