I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
