It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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