i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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