I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
