I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize