If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
