The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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