I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
