pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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