I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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