the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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