You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize