I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
