Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
