6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
