last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
