i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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