life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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